By Marjie Metz
Hear Him Louder Essay Series: Marjie's Story
Have you ever felt bad for dealing with the same issue, again and again? Maybe you, too, feel guilty for praying about the same thing, time after time. Do you ever feel like, “What’s the point? I’ve already prayed about this, should I even bother God with it?”
I understand. I've been there. And I can tell you, from my experience, that there IS purpose in it. God used my journaling time, the story of the Israelites and my mom’s unexpected death to show me that when I bring my pain, my frustration, my sin to him … no matter how many times … He can and will bring healing and redemption at just the right time.
To share my story, I'm sharing with you a journal entry of a conversation I had with God before my mom's death:
February 12, 2018
Dear Lord,
I’m struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and bitterness again. How many times do I have to come back to this same point and pray about the same things? I’m getting tired of hearing myself pray this -- Lord, I can only imagine what you feel like. Lord, why am I stuck? Why do I keep coming back to this same place?
I’m reminded of the story of the Israelites marching around Jericho. God, you asked them to march around the walls of the city seven times. Seven. Not once or twice, but seven times. God, you are ... God. You did not need them to march around the city seven times. You could have said the word and the walls would have fallen in an instant! But you commanded them to march around the city seven times. There must have been a reason, please help me understand.
God, is there anything in between us that’s causing me to be stuck? Is there anything that I have not done that you have asked me to do?
Ask your mom for forgiveness.
Flinch. Yes ... I do remember you asking me to do that a while ago. It seemed too hard at the time, so I waited and then forgot. Lord, why does that feel so hard for me to do?
You feel justified in your anger.
Ouch. But yes … yes, I do. What do you think about this, Lord?
You need to release the anger and unforgiveness.
I’ve tried.
Try again.
Ok, Lord, I want to obey you. Forgive me for the anger and unforgiveness I have held against mom. This stirs up fear and anger inside me. I’m afraid she will use this against me. I’m afraid she will use this to justify her own hurtful actions. I’m afraid of her reaction. I’m not sure I can take more hurt.
Give it to me.
Ok, Lord. I give all of this to you. The hurt. The anger. The unforgiveness. I’m tired of holding on to this. Please forgive me for carrying this. You are God, not me. Forgive me for trying to act in your place. I’m sorry. You are her God too. You are dealing with her, just as you are with me. I choose to trust in you. Heal me, Lord. I want to be free from this!
I hand it all to you.
I feel lighter. I feel the load lifting off my shoulders. Thank you, Father. This load has been too heavy and I have been carrying it for way too long!
Please help me see Mom with your eyes. Help me to see her the way you do. Lord, please give me the strength I need to apologize to Mom. It’s going to be hard. By apologizing, I feel like I am saying her actions were ok. I want her to take responsibility for her actions. But more than that, Lord, I choose to trust you.
Lord, I am beginning to understand the marching around Jericho.
The extra time was for their benefit. You were moving and working in their hearts as they marched around the city. I can imagine the fear, the doubt, the wondering what would happen. You were strengthening them for the job you called them to do. They were going to have to fight the city of Jericho and you were getting them ready. Step-by-step, day-by-day, preparing them for what was ahead.
Lord, I can see how this applies to my heart. I keep marching around the “Jericho” that’s in my heart - that strong-walled city of unforgiveness. I have been building and fortifying that wall for years! Thank you for causing me to march around it again and opening my eyes to see the work you are doing in MY heart. I desire freedom, Lord. I don’t want to be stuck here anymore. I want to be free from the hurt, the anger, the unforgiveness.
Lord, thank you. Thank you for leading me, strengthening me and empowering me to do what I need to do. Thank you for your healing work in my heart. Lord, I’m ready for the walls to fall down.
When I journaled this in 2018, I had no idea that God would take my mom home in 2020, almost a year ago. I am in awe of His timing. Because I chose to press in and seek Him with the painful areas, I was open to hear His promptings.
I had no idea my mom only had two more years on this earth … but God did. He caused me to march around my Jericho over and over. Each lap was another layer of healing for me and an opportunity for reconciliation in my relationship with my mom. He paved the way for healing and redemption to happen before He took her home. What a gift. I have no regrets. I have peace about where our relationship was when she passed.
What is God speaking to you?
What is your Jericho?
What is He asking you to lay down as you march around the city?
Whatever the work is … do it. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you have to swallow your pride. But, consider this: what is waiting for you on the other side? Once the walls fall down, what healing is waiting for you? What reconciliation could happen? What freedom could be there for you?
“So the people shouted, and the trumpets were blown. As soon as the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted a great shout, and the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, every man straight before him, and they captured the city,” (Joshua 6:20, ESV).
The Hear Him Louder Essay Series is a guest writer series where God's daughters share their stories of hearing God’s whispers in their every day. It’s meant to serve as an encouragement for the times when God feels far and seems quiet. When we read each other’s stories of how He meets us, it reminds and reassures us that He is near. May this series be an invitation for us to listen for His voice together.
Don't miss any posts in this series! Subscribe to receive notifications for each new essay, posted every other Thursday. When you subscribe, you'll receive a link to a FREE five-day devotional called, “Closer: Five Days to Hearing God Louder."
Learn more about each of these five postures:
1 | Seek: If I Seek God, Will I Really Find Him?
2 | Know: Will God Speak, Even to Me?
3 | Expect: Can I Expect to Hear God?
4 | Listen: How Do I Listen for God?
5 | Connect: Is God Really Right Here?
New to this series? Check out the rest of the series!
Interested in contributing to the Hear Him Louder Essay Series? The call for submissions opens in January and June. To submit an essay outside of those windows, contact me.
About Marjie
Marjie Metz is passionate about health and healing for women. She is a certified Health and Life Coach, a Revelation Wellness Fitness Instructor, and author of "Release Those Stubborn Pounds: A Gentle Approach to Lose What Weighs You Down."
Marjie lives near Cincinnati, Ohio and spends her days supporting her family; coaching clients; teaching Revelation Wellness fitness classes; and leading the Release Group Coaching program.
She likes to travel and scrapbook her family memories when she gets time away. You can find Marjie over at www.marjiemetz.com, where you'll see her coaching and fitness offerings. Be sure to follow Marjie on Facebook and Instagram, and head on over to Amazon to buy her book!
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